Upon reading the gaming news this morning, I thought to myself, “Is Hollywood’s trend of abhorrent game-to-film adaptions so bad that they can no longer approach any franchise with any semblance of a story?”
The answer is: Yes. Case in point – Asteriods – the Movie!
Yes Thugs, that’s right. Asteroids. The thrilling 1979 compuvideo space adventure about a plucky triangle, his collection of projectile squares, and the many oddly shaped asteroids that haunt his dreams and hopes for the future.
The film will no doubt be shot on scene, in outer space. The roles of Triangle, and his archnemeses, the titular Asteroids, have not yet been cast. But I hear word that Jake Gyllenhal, Brad Pitt, and Robert Patterson are in talks (every one of them are competing for the Triangle role, but let’s face it – there are no losing positions here).
Of course, the most important part about the making of an Asteroids movie (and the actual four-part bidding war that went on for the rights) is that this gets us all one step closer to realizing my dream. Well, my two dreams. We are now this close to finally being able to bring the glory of Tetris and Pong to the silver screen.
And I’ve already got my cast lined up for these hot little numbers. For Tetris, I won’t settle for anything less than Gerard Butler as the “L” piece. And I want the really fat kid from Me, Myself, and Irene to be the “Square”. And my coup de grace – DUN DUN DUN!!!! – the one, the only, the inescapable Keanu Reeves as the stoic leader, the “Straight Line” piece, who is destined to lead them all to victory…or annihilation.
DUN DUN DUN!!!!
And I figured for Pong, we’d just get Venus and Serena Williams. Pretty natural fit really.
Keyan Reid
Professional Hero