Video Games are Safer than Outside

Unfortunately, most of us have jobs that force us to go into the Terrible Outside World, but what if we had the choice not to? Here are a few prime examples of why Video Games are safer than the Outside.

5.Rape
I’m no scientist, but I do believe over ninety percent of all rape victims are raped by someone they interacted with in the outside world. So you want to to go out clubbin with your friends? Maybe do some dancing, some drinking, some good-hearted laughing? Maybe have some date rape drugs slipped into your drink and wake up with a male reproductive organ in each hand with no recollection of the events that led you to this situation? I don’t know about you, but that sounds like MY idea of a great time! Or would you rather stay home and play some Zelda? Heck, there might even be rapists hiding in your bushes outside. The minute you’re outside in the big dangerous world, some pervert in a ski mask and trench coat is bending you over your own car. How many video games do that? Another fact, which you can look up in any museum, is that 0% of all video games have raped someone. Yeah, that’s right. Look it up. I dare you.

But only if you go outside.

4. Horrible Vehicular Accidents
When was the last time you were sitting at home playing video games when a drunk driver slammed into your couch, killing your family? Lynryd Skynyrd never played video games, and you know what? They got on an airplane and it crashed. IT CRASHED. Most of them died, but the worst part came when Ronnie VanZant’s idiot brother tried to reform the band and make a mockery of awesome southern rock. The best part of playing video games is knowing that I will not end up in a situation where I am trapped in a submarine as it depressurizes, and I will never tumble from the sky in a stupid hot air balloon. Seriously, are there people out there who actually think these things are FUN?

3.Disease
There are some terrible diseases out there just waiting to peel your skin off. I have never once played a video game that made it burn when I pee. I’ve never caught a bad case of uncontrollable vomiting from Kirby. Science has proven that video games do not bleed or swap body fluids with you. Just ask a doctor! I bet he learned that in med school. How about that wacky infection that turns people into Zombies? Zombies are far less likely to bite you if you don’t go outside. I’m about to BLOW your MIND by combining three outside hazards. Say you walk outside to get your mail. You sense movement from behind the neighbor’s fence. Then BAM! An AIDS infected monkey jumps over the fence and rapes you. Now imagine that instead of checking the mail, you decided to eat some corn chips and play Halo. Sounds safer to me.

2.Wildlife
Speaking of monkeys, the outside world is filled with terrible creatures all lurking in the shadows, waiting to inject you with their paralyzing venom, or rip your face or hands off. I’ve seen Snakes on a Plane! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING about the possibility of being attacked by snakes as my flight careens towards the ground sounds appealing. You know what does sound awesome? Playing some Final Fantasy. Oh sure, I could get off my arse and do some leisurely outdoor activity like ice fishing. Yep, so relaxing. Just watch this.
Oh yeah, I bet he can’t wait to tell his friends about all the great fish he caught! OH THATS RIGHT, HE CANT! HE’S DEAD NOW. Just think, what if you lived in Australia? Every living creature there is poisonous. You can’t swim in the ocean because there are tiny jelly fish that give you cancer. There are ravenous eagles with venom filled talons soaring through the skies, swooping down upon your head. Kangaroos eat children for sport. And every. single. one. of these things are found OUTSIDE.

1.The fucking Sun

Yeah, I said it. The FUCKING Sun. That giant douchebag ball of fire in the sky. I was playing a video game the other day and I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up, and I noticed I wasn’t in terrible pain. Anything here ring a bell? Fall asleep outside and what happens? Your skin gets burned. Every time you shower or anything touches you, including your clothing, you feel seering pain. And that’s if you manage to stay out there long enough to even GET burned, because being outside in 100 degree weather just isn’t pleasant, no matter how you look at it. I mean, you end up sweating until your clothes are soaked, you have to drink gallons of water or you’ll die, and you usually end up with one hell of a headache. Miserable! Oh yeah, and there’s that tiny issue of skin cancer. Seriously, Mother Nature can suck it! You want sunshine? Play Super Mario Sunshine! I have yet to read in my extensive collection of medical journals about someone getting skin cancer from Mario Sunshine.

As you can plainly see, video games reign superior to the outside world. Sure, you have to go outside to get stuff like Five Guys burgers, chocolate malts, and new video games, but do yourself a favor and don’t find any other lame excuses to leave your house. I’ve heard tale of people who are “living life to the fullest” and “making memories” but that’s totally lame. Go on and climb your yeti inhabited mountains. Go ride your bikes on those man-eating bear filled forest trails. Enjoy sailing on the great blue ocean filled with giant squids, pirates, and leaping sharks. I’ll be inside having actual fun.